The Babylon Bee
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Local Father Invents 47 New Cuss Words While Putting Up Christmas Lights
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CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—According to the frightened family members of Luke Manning, 34, the local father of three invented 47 entirely new cuss words while putting Christmas lights up on his family’s home Wednesday evening.“For all the love of funfetti …...
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The Babylon Bee Local Father Invents 47 New Cuss Words While Putting Up Christmas Lights 10d
Congregation Erupts Into Violent Protests As Worship Band Shamelessly Tampers With Yet Another Timeless Christmas Carol
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PERRY, MA—Violence broke out at Everlasting Savior Community Church in Perry last Sunday after, in an audacious show of nerve, the worship band messed with another classic Christmas song. Congregants were whipped into a frenzy during “O Come, O Come...
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The Babylon Bee Congregation Erupts Into Violent Protests As Worship Band Shamelessly Tampers With Yet Another Timeless Christmas Carol 10d
Google Rep Issues Heartfelt Apology For Anti-Conservative Bias While Wearing ‘Kill All Republicans’ T-Shirt
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MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Google has released a video in which one of the company’s representatives apologizes for anti-conservative bias, as revealed in a recent video obtained by Breitbart. The representative issued a heartfelt apology toward conservative...
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The Babylon Bee Google Rep Issues Heartfelt Apology For Anti-Conservative Bias While Wearing ‘Kill All Republicans’ T-Shirt 11d
John MacArthur, Ben Shapiro Delight Audiences In Debut On 'Dancing With The Stars'
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LOS ANGELES, CA—In a surprise appearance on a special one-off episode of Dancing with the Stars Sunday evening, featured duo John MacArthur and Ben Shapiro dazzled audiences with a hit dance routine.While MacArthur's performance was characterized as...
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The Babylon Bee John MacArthur, Ben Shapiro Delight Audiences In Debut On 'Dancing With The Stars' 11d
Geneva Conventions Amended To Include Ban On 'The Christmas Shoes'
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GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—At long last recognizing the song as "cruel and unusual punishment," a historic gathering of international leaders Monday called upon the world's nations to ban the playing of "The Christmas Shoes," a painfully bad and cheesy...
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The Babylon Bee Geneva Conventions Amended To Include Ban On 'The Christmas Shoes' 11d
Emmanuel Macron Criticizes Climate Change Tax Protesters For Not Using Carbon-Neutral Rioting Methods
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PARIS—Finally addressing the rising unrest over climate change taxes and other cost of living issues, French President Emmanuel Macron criticized the protesters for not using carbon-neutral rioting methods.Macron blasted the movement for callously...
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The Babylon Bee Emmanuel Macron Criticizes Climate Change Tax Protesters For Not Using Carbon-Neutral Rioting Methods 11d
Worship Band Fixes Old Hymn By Adding Guitar Solo From Van Halen's 'Eruption'
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NEW YORK, NY—The worship band at Floodwaters Church reported that their attempt to “fix one of those wack old hymns” was successful, as the young group of talented musicians were able to smoothly incorporate Eddie Van Halen’s “Eruption” guitar solo...
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The Babylon Bee Worship Band Fixes Old Hymn By Adding Guitar Solo From Van Halen's 'Eruption' 12d
Cthulhu To Speak At Liberty University
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LYNCHBURG, VA—Liberty University has announced its next set of Convocation speakers for the coming semester, and among several prominent athletes and political figures is the ancient, brooding cosmic entity known as Cthulhu, sources confirmed...
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The Babylon Bee Cthulhu To Speak At Liberty University 13d
Sea Level Rises Hundreds Of Feet Due To Sweat From Celebrities Waiting To Be Outed As Perverts
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U.S.—Stunned meteorologists reported Wednesday that the sea level has risen an astonishing 300 feet overnight, as the sweat from celebrities trying to cover up their sexual harassment scandals rained down “in buckets.”Vast swathes of the United...
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The Babylon Bee Sea Level Rises Hundreds Of Feet Due To Sweat From Celebrities Waiting To Be Outed As Perverts 14d
Southwest Airlines Apologizes For Employee Making Fun Of Kid Named 'Total Depravity'
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SANTA ANA, CA—Southwest Airlines has finally apologized after a mother claimed an employee made fun of her son named "Total Depravity" as they were attempting to board a flight at John Wayne Airport in Orange County.As she was boarding the flight,...
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The Babylon Bee Southwest Airlines Apologizes For Employee Making Fun Of Kid Named 'Total Depravity' 14d
Obama Boasts That Obamacare Has Reduced Health Care Costs By Lowering Life Expectancy: 'Thank Me For That'
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HOUSTON, TX—Former president Barack Obama bragged in a speech earlier this week that the Affordable Care Act has greatly reduced healthcare costs by lowering American life expectancy each year.Obama pointed out that the horrible government-regulated...
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The Babylon Bee Obama Boasts That Obamacare Has Reduced Health Care Costs By Lowering Life Expectancy: 'Thank Me For That' 14d
Border Patrol, Migrants Locked In Epic Game Of 'Red Rover'
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TIJUANA—Tensions flared this week at the San Ysidro Land Port of Entry, the border crossing between San Diego and Tijuana. The first wave of the migrant caravan arrived on Sunday to find a human chain of Customs and Border Patrol (CBP) officers...
Liberal Christian Attempts To Debate Atheist But They Just Agree On Everything
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SHERWOOD, OR—Local progressive believer Danielle Mason reportedly attempted to debate atheist Lucas Peterson on the various ideas including the existence of God at a local coffee shop Sunday evening, but ended up agreeing with him on every point.The...
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The Babylon Bee Liberal Christian Attempts To Debate Atheist But They Just Agree On Everything 15d
Swarm Of Locusts In Book Of Revelation Revealed To Be Twitter
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U.S.—Bible scholars revealed Thursday they've discovered the true identity of the swarm of locusts in the book of Revelation: Twitter.The panel of experts confirmed that through rigorous contextual study, they've come to the conclusion that the...
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The Babylon Bee Swarm Of Locusts In Book Of Revelation Revealed To Be Twitter 15d
Researchers Now Believe Good Christian Movie Attainable Within Our Lifetime
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CAMBRIDGE, MA—Exciting new research coming out of Harvard Divinity School suggests that a good Christian film may be attainable within our lifetime.While previous estimates had suggested a good Christian movie was still centuries off, the optimistic...
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The Babylon Bee Researchers Now Believe Good Christian Movie Attainable Within Our Lifetime 16d
Christian Women Now In Favor Of Invading Middle East After Pentagon Claims They Have Essential Oil
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U.S.—After the release of a Pentagon report claiming countries in the Middle East have essential oil resources for our national security and productivity, support for invading the region shot up to 87% among Christian women."It's vital that we...
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The Babylon Bee Christian Women Now In Favor Of Invading Middle East After Pentagon Claims They Have Essential Oil 16d
Jack Dorsey: 'Let Me Be Clear: Twitter Is A Platform For ANY And ALL Ideas I Wholeheartedly Agree With'
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SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Responding to growing criticism resulting from a rash of recent account suspensions carried out for seemingly innocuous offenses, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey stressed Wednesday that “Twitter is and will always be a platform for ANY and...
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The Babylon Bee Jack Dorsey: 'Let Me Be Clear: Twitter Is A Platform For ANY And ALL Ideas I Wholeheartedly Agree With' 16d
Obama Blasts Trump's Use Of Tear Gas On Foreigners: 'Frankly, I Would Have Used A Drone Strike'
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Addressing a crowd at a lucrative speaking engagement Tuesday evening, former president Barack Obama slammed President Trump for his "inhumane" use of tear gas at the border earlier this week, pointing out that a drone strike would...
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The Babylon Bee Obama Blasts Trump's Use Of Tear Gas On Foreigners: 'Frankly, I Would Have Used A Drone Strike' 16d
Scholars Discover Translation Error: Root Of All Evil Actually Gluten
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LA MIRADA, CA—New Testament experts have historically translated the Greek word “philarguria” as “love of money,” rendering Paul’s famous line in his first letter to Timothy as “the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.”But after researchers...
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The Babylon Bee Scholars Discover Translation Error: Root Of All Evil Actually Gluten 17d
Aides Force Ocasio-Cortez To Watch Entire Run Of 'Schoolhouse Rock!'
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez continued to prepare to take office as an actual congresswoman that people in the United States apparently voted for of their own volition, her aides forced her to sit down and watch the entire run...
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The Babylon Bee Aides Force Ocasio-Cortez To Watch Entire Run Of 'Schoolhouse Rock!' 17d