The Babylon Bee
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4D Chess: Trump Announces Support For Decriminalization Of Homosexuality, Forcing Liberals To Come Out Against It
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a stunning, masterful move this week that's being called a fine example of "4D chess," President Trump announced a push for the decriminalization of homosexuality across the globe, immediately forcing his political opponents to...
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The Babylon Bee 4D Chess: Trump Announces Support For Decriminalization Of Homosexuality, Forcing Liberals To Come Out Against It 12h
4-Hour-Long Political Lecture To Be Disguised As Awards Show
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HOLLYWOOD, CA—A report coming out of Hollywood this afternoon revealed that a 4-hour-long political lecture scheduled for Sunday will be disguised as an awards show in order to drum up interest."See, if we just asked people to tune in for four hours...
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The Babylon Bee 4-Hour-Long Political Lecture To Be Disguised As Awards Show 13h
Joel Osteen Frustrated As His Pulpit's 'Check Theology' Light Comes On Again
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HOUSTON, TX—An exasperated Joel Osteen threw up his hands while preaching this past Sunday as his pulpit's "Check Theology" light came on once again."Ugh, this is the third time this month---what now!?!" he shouted in a rare outburst. Osteen then...
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The Babylon Bee Joel Osteen Frustrated As His Pulpit's 'Check Theology' Light Comes On Again 15h
Virginia Democrats Publicly Thank Jussie Smollett For Taking All The Attention Away From Them
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RICHMOND, VA—Virginia Democrats are breathing a sigh of relief, as the Jussie Smollett hoax has taken the media’s eye off of their political trainwreck, sources confirmed today.Both Governor Ralph Northam and the state's attorney general had drawn...
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The Babylon Bee Virginia Democrats Publicly Thank Jussie Smollett For Taking All The Attention Away From Them 41h
Bernie Sanders Asks Nation To Please Stop Mailing Him Books On Economics
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NEW YORK, NY—In a late-night show interview Wednesday, Senator Bernie Sanders politely asked the nation to please stop mailing him books on basic economics, revealing that he’s been “absolutely flooded” with works on the most rudimentary concepts of...
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The Babylon Bee Bernie Sanders Asks Nation To Please Stop Mailing Him Books On Economics 43h
Man Forced To Apologize For Whatever He Did In Wife's Dream Last Night
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KANSAS CITY, MO—After a lengthy dispute with his wife this morning, local man Lee Branscom expressed his great sorrow and regret over whatever he did in her dream last night that had her so ticked off at him, sources confirmed Tuesday.He attempted...
Confirmed: Faith Without Works Incredibly Relaxing
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VALDOSTA, GA—After spending several years wallowing in sin and not bothering to allow the Holy Spirit to change his life in any way, local Christian man Nathan Peterson confirmed his findings Wednesday that having faith without works is in fact...
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The Babylon Bee Confirmed: Faith Without Works Incredibly Relaxing 3d
Benny Hinn Loses Control Of Powers, Sends Audience Member Soaring Hundreds Of Feet Into Air
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LONG BEACH, CA—Unable to fully control his rapidly increasing array of supernatural powers, faith healer and prosperity preacher Benny Hinn accidentally launched an audience member hundreds of feet into the air at a healing service Friday.According...
Snopes Rates Babylon Bee World's Most Accurate News Source
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U.S.—As part of a detailed review of prominent online news outlets, a large team of fact-checkers at Snopes.com unanimously voted The Babylon Bee as the world’s most accurate news source, Snopes editors revealed Friday.After reviewing over 1,200 of...
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The Babylon Bee Snopes Rates Babylon Bee World's Most Accurate News Source 3d
Viewers Starting To Doubt Objectivity Of Reporter With 'KAMALA 2020' Face Tattoo
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U.S.—Viewers of a popular cable news show confirmed Wednesday they're beginning to doubt the impartiality of one of the station's reporters after she appeared on air with her new "KAMALA 2020" face tattoo.The journalist and on-air personality has...
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The Babylon Bee Viewers Starting To Doubt Objectivity Of Reporter With 'KAMALA 2020' Face Tattoo 3d
Nation That Calls Trump 'Hitler' Demands He Take All Guns Away
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U.S.—Sources across the United States confirmed Friday that the cross-section of citizenry which has been comparing President Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler for two years has begun to demand that he take guns away from all citizens at once.Passionate...
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The Babylon Bee Nation That Calls Trump 'Hitler' Demands He Take All Guns Away 3d
Opinion: It's 2019, And Gay People Are Still Being Forced To Attack Themselves In The Streets
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The year is 2019. You'd think we'd be living in a progressive paradise by now, with energy-efficient trains crisscrossing the idyllic countryside, everyone being accepted for who they are---gay, bi, straight, or polygamous---and all people having...
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The Babylon Bee "The right is so filled with hate that oppressed minorities are being forced to pay people to attack them right out in the open." 3d
Activists Vow John Wayne Will Never Work In Hollywood Again
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HOLLYWOOD, CA—After a 1971 Playboy interview with John Wayne that was deemed offensive surfaced online, liberal activists took to the streets to boycott the actor, vowing that Wayne will never work in Hollywood again.Wayne died in 1979 of stomach...
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The Babylon Bee Activists Vow John Wayne Will Never Work In Hollywood Again 4d
Elizabeth Warren Claims Two Men In Colonial Outfits Assaulted Her With Smallpox-Infested Blankets
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a statement to D.C. police given Tuesday, senator and presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren claimed that two men in colonial outfits accosted her on the street and assaulted her with smallpox-infected blankets.Warren claimed...
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The Babylon Bee Elizabeth Warren Claims Two Men In Colonial Outfits Assaulted Her With Smallpox-Infested Blankets 4d
Jussie Smollett Offered Job At CNN After Fabricating News Story Out Of Thin Air
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ATLANTA, GA—While Empire actor Jussie Smollett has been having a tough week so far, there appears to be a silver lining: cable news channel CNN has offered Smollett a job as an investigative reporter and on-air anchor after witnessing his skills at...
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The Babylon Bee Jussie Smollett Offered Job At CNN After Fabricating News Story Out Of Thin Air 5d
Nation's Liberals Devastated After Learning Hate Crime Didn't Actually Happen
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U.S.—The nation’s liberals were struck by a devastating blow this week after finding out a hate crime, reported by Empire actor Jussie Smollet, didn’t actually happen.“I needed this to be true,” said liberal columnist Hanna Spalding. “When I first...
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The Babylon Bee Nation's Liberals Devastated After Learning Hate Crime Didn't Actually Happen 5d
Everyone In US Soaked With Sprinklers As Trump Pulls National Emergency Alarm
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U.S.—Americans received a rude surprise when the entire country was suddenly sprayed with water out of nowhere. It turns out that President Donald Trump had pulled the National Emergency Alarm, and one of the first procedures of a national emergency...
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The Babylon Bee Everyone In US Soaked With Sprinklers As Trump Pulls National Emergency Alarm 5d
Ocasio-Cortez Declares Victory Over The Modern-Day Equivalent Of Slavery: Jobs
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is busy celebrating her victory over the tyrannical Jeff Bezos and the horrible burden his company Amazon had planned to inflict on the people of New York City: 25,000 jobs.“I thought it was a...
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The Babylon Bee Ocasio-Cortez Declares Victory Over The Modern-Day Equivalent Of Slavery: Jobs 8d
Conservatives Accused Of Making Liberals Look Bad By Simply Reading List Of Things Liberals Believe
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U.S.—Conservatives across the nation have been accused of "pouncing" and "seizing on" weaknesses in liberals' policy positions for simply reading a list of the things liberals actually believe without changing the content or commenting on it in any...
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The Babylon Bee Conservatives Accused Of Making Liberals Look Bad By Simply Reading List Of Things Liberals Believe 9d
Woman Swoons At Brave Man Who Is Standing Up To The Corporate Greed Of Valentine's Day By Not Getting Her Anything
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CHANDLER, AZ—Marlena Bennington, girlfriend to Jace Everly for nearly three years, is absolutely swooning as Valentine’s Day approaches.“This is our third Valentine’s Day as a couple,” Bennington told reporters. “I always get excited this time of...
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The Babylon Bee Woman Swoons At Brave Man Who Is Standing Up To The Corporate Greed Of Valentine's Day By Not Getting Her Anything 9d