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Gardener In Background Of Kaepernick Video Receives Call From Washington Redskins
U.S.—A gardener visible in several shots of Colin Kaepernick's workout video has been signed as a lineman by the Washington Redskins.After noticing the man's speed, raw strength, and dedication, the Redskins signed the gardener as an offensive...
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The Babylon Bee
Gardener In Background Of Kaepernick Video Receives Call From Washington Redskins
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Libertarian Christian Fights Vigorously To Legalize Various Sins
PORTSMOUTH, NH—As a Christian, Colin Anderson finds himself arguing against sinful behavior, but as a libertarian, Anderson finds himself spending even more time arguing vociferously that such behavior should be perfectly legal.“I can’t believe they...
'This Is The Detroit Lions And We'd Love To Sign You,' Says Giggling Trump On Yet Another Prank Call To Colin Kaepernick
WASHINGTON, D.C.—There wasn't much happening in the world today, so Trump simply sat at his desk looking for something to do.Then he got an idea. Picking up his desk phone, he dialed a number and waited for the man on the other end to pick...
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The Babylon Bee
'This Is The Detroit Lions And We'd Love To Sign You,' Says Giggling Trump On Yet Another Prank Call To Colin Kaepernick
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'Guardians 3' To Feature Most Sinister Villain Yet: Single-Use Plastic Bottles
BURBANK, CA—Marvel has confirmed that the villain in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 will be the deadliest, toughest foe Star-Lord and the gang have had to face yet: single-use plastic water bottles.The Guardians of the Galaxy will travel from planet...
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'Rise Of Skywalker' To Introduce First Lesbian AT-AT
HOLLYWOOD, CA—During a recent interview with Out And Proud Magazine, Rise of Skywalker director J.J. Abrams hinted that the hotly-anticipated 9th installment of the Star Wars saga would include more clear LGBTQ representation, in the form of a...
Bombshell Report Reveals Trump Has Been Mooching Off Pence's Netflix Account For Years
WASHINGTON, D.C.—A bombshell report coming out of the impeachment proceedings has revealed that Trump may have been mooching off Mike Pence's Netflix account his entire time in office.A whistleblower revealed that Trump simply asked Pence for his...
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The Babylon Bee
Bombshell Report Reveals Trump Has Been Mooching Off Pence's Netflix Account For Years
39h
Thorn In Paul’s Flesh Revealed To Be Wham!’s ‘Last Christmas’
CHICAGO, IL—Researchers at a top Christian university Friday revealed a stunning find, as linguistic scholars have at long last pinpointed the ambiguous phrase “thorn in my flesh” used by Paul in his second letter to the Corinthians to be a...
SPLC Adds 'Die Hard' Christmas Movie Denial To List Of Extremist Hate Ideologies
MONTOGOMERY, AL—The Southern Poverty Law Center has added the denial of Die Hard being a Christmas movie to its list of noted hate-filled ideologies such as neo-nazism, white nationalism, and holocaust denial. "We take Die Hard very seriously," said...
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Local Library Introduces Controversial Drag Racing Story Hour
GAINESVILLE, FL—Last Tuesday, families gathered for Drag Racing Story Hour, put on weekly at the Alachua County Library by the National Hot Rod Association (NHRA). But local mother, Nance Schmidt couldn’t help but feel as though placing her six...
Elizabeth Warren Unveils Plan To End Climate Change By Performing Authentic Rain Dance
SACRED LAND—Elizabeth Warren revealed today that when she becomes president she will bring global warming to an end within five minutes. How would she do it? A simple rain dance, Warren claims.The dance—one of many ritual dances Warren has known...
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The Babylon Bee
Elizabeth Warren Unveils Plan To End Climate Change By Performing Authentic Rain Dance
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Study Finds Strong Connection Between Holiness And Number Of Chairs You Stack After Church Service
U.S.—A new study performed by LifeWay Research revealed Wednesday that there is a "strong connection" between your personal holiness and the number of chairs you stack while tearing down a church service or other church function.The report looked at...
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The Babylon Bee
Study Finds Strong Connection Between Holiness And Number Of Chairs You Stack After Church Service
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Disney+ Introduces $10/Month Add-On That Blocks 'Frozen' From Streaming Service
BURBANK, CA—Disney is listening to parents' feedback on the new Disney+ streaming service with a new $10/month add-on that will block all Frozen content, including the original film, shorts, sing-alongs, and more from the service."For just $10 per...
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House Hears Testimony From Renowned, Unbiased Legal Scholar Hillga Clintonheimer
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an effort to prove that impeachment is constitutionally sound and definitely not a politically motivated circus performance, Rep. Jerrold Nadler called on his final witness of the day: renowned legal scholar Hillga...
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In New Episode, The Mandalorian Has To Protect Baby Yoda From Being Ruined By Rian Johnson
U.S.—In the latest episode of Disney+’s hit show The Mandalorian, Baby Yoda -- widely regarded as the greatest cultural contribution of the last one hundred years -- faces his greatest threat. And that threat: Rian Johnson, full of ideas.“I’ve got...
Kamala Harris Fulfills Campaign Promise To Improve America By Dropping Out Of Race
U.S.—Kamala Harris became the first Democratic candidate to make good on her promise to improve America by dropping out of the presidential race. While pundits have criticized Democrats for their "pie-in-the-sky" proposals, Harris proved that...
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The Babylon Bee
Kamala Harris Fulfills Campaign Promise To Improve America By Dropping Out Of Race
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'My Mom Said You Guys Have To Let Me Play,' Defiant Colin Kaepernick Tells Kids Playing Flag Football At Park
RIVERDALE, GA—Shortly after his workout video plan failed, free agent Colin Kaepernick took a walk around town to clear his mind.Luckily, Kaepernick stumbled upon a pickup game of flag football some kids were playing at a local park. "Hey guys, can...
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The Babylon Bee
'My Mom Said You Guys Have To Let Me Play,' Defiant Colin Kaepernick Tells Kids Playing Flag Football At Park
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Lisa Page To Teach College Course On How To Make Yourself Out To Be A Victim
CAMBRIDGE, MA—After Lisa Page finally spoke out against President Trump, masterfully painting herself as the target of Trump's oppression and misogyny, Harvard University quickly hired the former FBI lawyer to teach an upper-level course on how to...
New Greta On The Shelf Doll Will Track Your Climate Sins
U.S.—A fun new "Greta on the Shelf" doll will watch you every day and fly back to the UN each night to report your climate sins to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change.The doll is equipped with eye sensors programmed to detect activities...
Narwhal Tusk Surrender Bins Installed Throughout The UK
LONDON—Parliament announced Monday the installation of new narwhal tusk surrender bins throughout the UK after a citizen was seen attacking an austere religious scholar using one of the deadly weapons.Citizens are to return their dangerous narwhal...
Biden's Popularity Skyrockets Among Coveted 1920s Working Class Demographic
U.S.—Many have criticized Joe Biden's new campaign slogan, "No Malarkey," for being out of touch and old-fashioned.But new polls show that the slogan is actually a huge hit among the working class in the 1920s. While a minority said Trump was their...