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Proud Parents Of 28-Year-Old Millennial Post Annual Back-To-Basement Picture
SILVER SPRING, MD—Local parents Bill and Cindy Kaufmann completed an annual tradition Friday when they posted a photo of their 28-year-old son Justin moving back into their basement.After finishing his summer job as a volunteer counselor at Camp...
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The Babylon Bee
Proud Parents Of 28-Year-Old Millennial Post Annual Back-To-Basement Picture
41h
Alexa Helpfully Interrupts Couple's Argument To Provide Recordings Of Their Previous Conversations
DOUGLASVILLE, GA—Dave and Melinda Georgio were having a bitter dispute about work Melinda wanted Dave to do around the house earlier today. Dave disputed Melinda's account of the chores he promised to do over a week ago but hadn't gotten around to...
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The Babylon Bee
Alexa Helpfully Interrupts Couple's Argument To Provide Recordings Of Their Previous Conversations
43h
Trump To Buy Greenland, Install Shiplap, Hardwood Floors, Flip For Profit
NUUK, GREENLAND—There have been rumors that President Trump was considering buying Greenland, and Trump has now confirmed those rumors, revealing that he sees it as a great moneymaking opportunity if the U.S. purchases the world’s largest island,...
Strong Link Found Between Supporting Communism And Never Once Having Opened A History Book
CAMBRIDGE, MA—A study performed by researchers at Harvard University found a strong link between supporting the idea of communism and never once having even briefly opened a history book, sources confirmed Tuesday.The study appears to imply that...
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The Babylon Bee
Strong Link Found Between Supporting Communism And Never Once Having Opened A History Book
49h
Medical Marvel: This 3-Year-Old Has Revealed That She Does Not Need To Sleep
HOUSTON, TX—The Wilson family had quite a surprise when it was bedtime for their three-year-old, Lela, last night.“When I told Lela it was time for bed,” her father recalled, “she said the oddest thing: ‘I don’t want to go to bed.’” Lela had been...
Women Who Don't Believe Israel Has Right To Exist Not Sure Why They Got Banned From Israel
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congresswomen Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar reported Thursday they were bewildered that they got banned from Israel, a country they seem to believe shouldn't exist at all."It's racism," said Omar in a press conference. "It's all due...
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The Babylon Bee
Women Who Don't Believe Israel Has Right To Exist Not Sure Why They Got Banned From Israel
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Extremists On Left, Right Eliminate Each Other In Violent Clash, Nation's Problems Finally Over
CHICAGO, IL—America celebrated today as violent extremists came together in a violent clash, killing each other and ending the nation’s problems for good. Extremist groups from the far left and far right heroically united in completely eliminating...
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The Babylon Bee
Extremists On Left, Right Eliminate Each Other In Violent Clash, Nation's Problems Finally Over
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Pope Says He Will Address Sex Abuse Scandal Once He's Finished Talking About Climate Change
VATICAN CITY—In his first public statement on the horrifying, devastating report on sexual abuse within the Catholic Church, Pope Francis stated he would address the controversy in detail once he’s done talking about climate change for a few more...
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The Babylon Bee
Pope Says He Will Address Sex Abuse Scandal Once He's Finished Talking About Climate Change
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Mario Removed From 'Smash Bros.' Roster After Anti-Goomba Tweets Surface
KYOTO, JAPAN—Mario’s storied career may be coming to an end. After critics recently unearthed concerning, inflammatory anti-Goomba tweets posted by the Italian plumber, Nintendo has severed ties with the Mushroom Kingdom celebrity, removing him from...
Florida Rolls Out Winding Lane With 15 MPH Speed Limit Just For Old People
TALLAHASSEE, FL—The Florida Department of Transportation is rolling out new lanes especially for old people.The lanes meander slowly back and forth, left to right, at an easy pace. They also restrict vehicles to 15 miles per hour or less, though FDT...
FDA Investigating Link Between Vaping, Looking Like A Total Cheese Bag
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Food and Drug Administration announced this week in a press release that they are investigating a possible correlation between vaping and looking like a "complete and total cheese bag." Vaping is a practice that has risen in...
Report: King George Really Regretted Not Imposing Red Flag Laws On Deranged American Colonists
LONDON—Historians now believe that King George III "instantly and severely" regretted not implementing red flag laws on the deranged American colonists."Blast it all, why didn't I think of that?" the king had said to a friend later on, according to...
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The Babylon Bee
Report: King George Really Regretted Not Imposing Red Flag Laws On Deranged American Colonists
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America Offers To Trade All Of Its Communists For Democratic Protesters In Hong Kong
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The American state department has come up with an ingenious plan to solve China's democratic protest problems and make our nation great again in one fell swoop.Through some great negotiating on the part of Donald Trump, we've struck...
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The Babylon Bee
America Offers To Trade All Of Its Communists For Democratic Protesters In Hong Kong
4d
CrossFit Added To Cult Watchlist
BOISE, ID—Citing its adherents’ slavish submission to the teachings of the group, the Christian Apologetics & Research Ministry updated its list of dangerous cults and other non-Christian groups Friday to include popular fitness regimen...
'It's-A Me, Mario!' Shouts Chris Cuomo While Jumping Into Big Green Pipe
MUSHROOM KINGDOM—After an altercation with some crazy guy shouting Italian ethnic slurs at him, CNN host Chris Cuomo reportedly shouted, "It's-a me, Mario!" before jumping into a large green pipe nearby and fleeing the scene.Cuomo then collected a...
Green New Deal To Replace All Cars With Guy Running Behind You Banging Two Empty Coconut Halves Together
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Green New Deal was laughed off as unrealistic when it was first introduced. But its architects were not deterred by the haters and pressed on trying to iron out the details of the plan that will soon save the world.In...
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The Babylon Bee
Green New Deal To Replace All Cars With Guy Running Behind You Banging Two Empty Coconut Halves Together
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Six-Year-Old Saying, 'Why Don't We Just Give Everything Away For Free?' Surges To Top Of Democratic Polls
U.S.—A new candidate has come out of nowhere to surge in the polls in the Democratic primary, and she’s only six years old. Susie Peters of Minneapolis, Minnesota, was on a local news segment where children gave their opinions on world problems, and...
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The Babylon Bee
Six-Year-Old Saying, 'Why Don't We Just Give Everything Away For Free?' Surges To Top Of Democratic Polls
5d
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The Babylon Bee
Six-Year-Old Saying, 'Why Don't We Just Give Everything Away For Free?' Surges To Top Of Democratic Polls
18h
Lioness Who Killed, Ate Own Cubs Hired As Planned Parenthood Mascot
LEIPZIG—Kigali the lioness has been hailed as a women's rights advocate after she killed and ate her own cubs.Planned Parenthood immediately jumped at the opportunity to leverage Kigali's popularity, offering her a job as the organization's...
Bernie Sanders Generously Gives Homeless Man Money Out Of Wallet He Just Stole
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Showing himself to be a compassionate man of the people who cares deeply about the plight of the downtrodden, Senator Bernie Sanders selflessly offered a stack of bills to a homeless man on the street Monday after fishing the money...
Drugged-Up Clubber Suddenly Realizes She's In Church Worship Service
AUSTIN, TX—After a 12-hour, drug-fueled night of club hopping, local party girl Jenny Wilson suddenly came down off her high to realize she was just in the middle of a local church’s worship set Sunday morning.According to sources, at around 8 a.m....