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Man On Deathbed Deeply Regrets Not Spending More Time Arguing On Facebook
LOS ANGELES, CA—After a long battle with cancer, local man Gary Trimble was given mere days to live earlier this week, prompting the man to reminisce to friends and family about his life and express his greatest regrets.As his family gathered around...
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The Babylon Bee
Man On Deathbed Deeply Regrets Not Spending More Time Arguing On Facebook
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Twitter To Display Warning Before You Compare Something To A Concentration Camp
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In a new feature rolling out to users today, Twitter is going to begin issuing a warning before you compare something to a concentration camp from Nazi Germany."It looks like you're trying to compare something to a concentration...
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Entire Internet Crashes As Public Scrambles To Download New Babylon Bee Podcast
U.S.—ISPs around the world reported heavy outages Wednesday as nearly everyone on the planet scrambled to download the new podcast created by The Babylon Bee.Servers literally melted under the heavy weight of earth's citizens rushing to their...
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Covert Navy SEAL Team Really Starting To Regret Wearing These Pride Month Uniforms
RAQQA, SYRIA—A Navy SEAL Team recently expressed regret in showing support for Pride Month after their new uniforms gave away their position in a covert operation to infiltrate an ISIS stronghold. Seal Captain James McKeever says they endured heavy...
Ocasio-Cortez Compares Mandatory Math Classes To Concentration Camps
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a video to her constituents Monday evening, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez compared mandatory math classes in public schools to "concentration camps."Ocasio-Cortez made several comparisons between public school...
Taylor Swift Releases New Song 'I Kissed A Girl And You'll Like It Or Else You're A Disgusting Bigot'
U.S.—Taylor Swift released an exciting new anthem for Pride Month yesterday. Inspired by a classic Katy Perry tune, the song is called "I Kissed A Girl And You'll Like It Or Else You're A Disgusting Bigot."Swift's music video shows a bunch of...
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The Babylon Bee
Taylor Swift Releases New Song 'I Kissed A Girl And You'll Like It Or Else You're A Disgusting Bigot'
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Biden: 'Republicans May Have Standards, But We Have Double Standards'
PHILADELPHIA, PA—During a campaign speech Tuesday, Joe Biden proudly declared that while Republicans have at least some standards, Democrats are going above and beyond with their "double standards."Biden pointed out that by having two sets of...
Report: Democrats, Republicans Deeply Divided On Exactly How To Misinterpret The Bible
U.S.—A new report performed by a coalition of Christian theologians confirmed Monday what many have already suspected: that the nation’s Democrats and Republicans are more divided than ever before over exactly how the Bible should be misinterpreted,...
Government-Funded Agency Forcibly Separates 1,000 Innocent Children From Their Mothers Each Day
U.S.—The nation is growing increasingly outraged over a government-funded agency that is forcibly separating 1,000 innocent children from their mothers each and every day, sources across the country confirmed Tuesday. Although no law mandates that...
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The Babylon Bee
Government-Funded Agency Forcibly Separates 1,000 Innocent Children From Their Mothers Each Day
46h
Democrats Vow To Close Dangerous Gun-Buying Loophole Known As 'The Second Amendment'
U.S.—Democrats have made vows to place extreme restrictions on guns, but they keep running into a problem: Many of their ideas can’t go into effect because of an early addendum to the Constitution. They’re now calling this the “Second Amendment...
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The Babylon Bee
Democrats Vow To Close Dangerous Gun-Buying Loophole Known As 'The Second Amendment'
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San Francisco Installs Giant Toilet Handle To Periodically Flush Entire City
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—The mayor of San Francisco, London Breed, proudly announced Monday that she has instructed city sanitation workers to install a giant toilet handle in order to flush the city of feces and urine periodically.Rather than trying to...
New Instagram Filter Makes It Look Like You're On A Missions Trip In A Third-World Country
MENLO PARK, CA—A new Instagram filter makes it look like you're on a missions trip in a third-world country.Select the filter, and the background of your picture will be replaced with destitute-looking orphans, impoverished women carrying water for...
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The Babylon Bee
New Instagram Filter Makes It Look Like You're On A Missions Trip In A Third-World Country
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Father’s Day Updated To 'Toxic Masculinity Awareness Day'
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a special session called to order Friday, Congress voted unanimously to do a complete overhaul of Father’s Day, renaming the holiday “Toxic Masculinity Awareness Day” and redefining the day’s meaning to encourage citizens to heap...
Nation Spends Day Acknowledging Existence Of Completely Unnecessary Parent
U.S.—While everyone has a mother--a necessity in every family for raising and providing for the children--there is a second type of parent some people have called a “father.” It is unknown what purpose this seemingly vestigial parent provides, but...
Trump Picks Alex Jones As New Press Secretary
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Sean Spicer’s abrupt resignation Friday morning, President Donald Trump has chosen InfoWars chief and renowned conspiracy theorist Alex Jones as the new Press Secretary, the White House announced.The fiery Jones wasted no time...
John Bolton: 'When Has The Government Ever Lied About Attacks On Ships In A Gulf Somewhere Just To Provoke War?'
U.S.—After top U.S. officials claimed Iran attacked ships in the Gulf of Oman this week, John Bolton held a press conference where he asked when the government has ever lied about something like this just to start a war."When has the government ever...
Walmart Self-Checkout Machine Wins Employee Of The Month Award Again
RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA—A self-checkout machine at a local Walmart store was selected to be honored as the employee of the month for the fifty-second month in a row, sources confirmed Thursday.The checkout machine was recognized for its speedy service,...
Strong Link Found Between Watching Soccer, Being Incredibly Bored
CAMBRIDGE, MA—A new study performed by a Harvard research team found a “strong correlation” between watching a soccer game and succumbing to a feeling of overwhelming boredom.The study suggests that watching soccer is the root cause of much of the...
New School Program Raises Awareness Of Things Kids Didn't Know They Were Supposed To Be Offended About
U.S.—The Federal Government is rolling out a new school program that will help to raise awareness in kids about what they need to be so upset about. The new program, "W.O.K.E." (Woke and Offended Kids Education) will help to bridge the gap widening...
Study: Hate Clicks Are A Major Source Of Web Traffic And Also 'The Princess Bride' Is A Trash Movie That Only Stupid People Like
U.S.—A new study of online traffic reached an alarming conclusion: the majority of traffic these days comes from angering readers and getting them to click and share a story out of hate. This could have terrible implications for online news, as...
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The Babylon Bee
Study: Hate Clicks Are A Major Source Of Web Traffic And Also 'The Princess Bride' Is A Trash Movie That Only Stupid People Like
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