The Babylon Bee
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Nation Longs For More Civilized Age When Politicians Settled Disputes With Pistols
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U.S.—Upon looking at the bleak, uncivilized nature of our political discourse, millions of people across the nation announced Thursday they are feeling nostalgic for a more refined time when politicians just shot each other with pistols to resolve...
Media Congratulates Meghan Markle On Meaningless Blob Of Tissue Developing In Her Womb
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WORLD—Media outlets worldwide congratulated Meghan Markle after it was announced earlier this week that she has a meaningless blob of tissue developing in her womb.Despite happening many times per day, the world showed it hasn't lost its...
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The Babylon Bee Media Congratulates Meghan Markle On Meaningless Blob Of Tissue Developing In Her Womb 43h
'We Are Living In A Totalitarian Nightmare,' Says Protester Freely Without Any Fear Of Government Retribution
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a recent string of protests in Washington, one protester told reporters that "we are living in a totalitarian nightmare just like in The Handmaid's Tale," making the statement with absolutely no possibility of the government...
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The Babylon Bee 'We Are Living In A Totalitarian Nightmare,' Says Protester Freely Without Any Fear Of Government Retribution 46h
'We Are Not Mindless NPCs,' Chant Nation's Liberals In Perfect Unison
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U.S.—After a rapidly spreading meme compared liberals to mindless, computer-controlled characters from RPGs and video games, liberals across the country all argued against the meme at the same time, chanting, "We are not mindless NPCs" in perfect...
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The Babylon Bee 'We Are Not Mindless NPCs,' Chant Nation's Liberals In Perfect Unison 3d
'Believe All Women' Movement Publishes Extensive List Of Exceptions
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U.S.—After facing mounting criticism over apparent hypocrisy within its ranks, the movement using the hashtag #BelieveAllWomen has come out with an extensive list of exceptions to its directive to always believe all women no matter what.While...
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The Babylon Bee 'Believe All Women' Movement Publishes Extensive List Of Exceptions 3d
Mafia Requests To No Longer Be Called 'The Mob' Because Of Negative Association With Political Activists
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UNDISCLOSED—At a private event, representatives of various organized crime groups came forward to request that the press stop referring to them as "the Mob" because of the negative connotation of the word thanks to recent political events."When...
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The Babylon Bee Mafia Requests To No Longer Be Called 'The Mob' Because Of Negative Association With Political Activists 3d
Above And Beyond: This Man Is Such A Fierce Proponent Of Traditional Marriage That He’s Participated In Four Of Them
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Many people claim to be proponents of traditional marriage, but so many are all talk and no action. Very few can back it up with a life that proves their fervor for the sanctity of the holy union.Well, meet Gary Black—a rare exception to the rule....
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The Babylon Bee Above And Beyond: This Man Is Such A Fierce Proponent Of Traditional Marriage That He’s Participated In Four Of Them 3d
Doctors Recommend Nation Get Portland Removed
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PORTLAND, OR—Calling the situation "life-threatening," doctors strongly encouraged the nation to get Portland removed in a surgical procedure as soon as possible.The operation is risky, but if successful, could prevent the deadly disease known as...
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The Babylon Bee Doctors Recommend Nation Get Portland Removed 4d
Emergency Constitutional Amendment Bans Taylor Swift Fans From Voting
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U.S.—An emergency constitutional amendment proposed and quickly passed earlier this week now bans fans of Taylor Swift from voting in local and national elections, stripping the right to vote away from the demographic shortly after the singer...
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The Babylon Bee Emergency Constitutional Amendment Bans Taylor Swift Fans From Voting 4d
Tomahawk-Wielding Elizabeth Warren Vows To Take Land Back From The Pale Faces
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—After receiving confirmation that she was at least 1/1024th Native American, Elizabeth Warren has embraced her fractional identity. Having gotten an authentic Native American outfit from a costume shop and armed herself with weapons...
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The Babylon Bee Tomahawk-Wielding Elizabeth Warren Vows To Take Land Back From The Pale Faces 4d
Morally Bankrupt Entertainment Industry Totally Baffled As To How Culture Became Morally Bankrupt
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HOLLYWOOD, CA—In the wake of the recent Harvey Weinstein scandal sending shockwaves through Hollywood, the nation’s elite members of the entertainment industry have expressed their puzzlement at the fact that the country has fallen so far in...
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The Babylon Bee Morally Bankrupt Entertainment Industry Totally Baffled As To How Culture Became Morally Bankrupt 5d
Calvinist Despondent After Genetic Testing Reveals He's Just 1/1024th Elect
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BANGOR, ME—Local Calvinist man Lucas Wiles was greatly discouraged in his Christian walk after an official Ligonier Ministries DNA test showed he is at most 1/1024th elect.A hopeful Wiles received his Ligonier ElectCheck™ test results in the mail...
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The Babylon Bee Calvinist Despondent After Genetic Testing Reveals He's Just 1/1024th Elect 5d
Hillary Clinton Releases DNA Test Results Proving She's Only Half Lizard Person
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Shortly after Elizabeth Warren released a DNA test that may or may not show that she is 1/1024th Native American, failed presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton showed the results of a recent DNA test...
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The Babylon Bee Hillary Clinton Releases DNA Test Results Proving She's Only Half Lizard Person 5d
Sad: This Woman Deleted All Her Social Media Accounts, But Now She Has Nowhere To Announce It
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You may think you're having a bad day, but wait 'til you hear about local 25-year-old Megan Tauber: she bravely deleted all her social media accounts in order to "live more in the moment," but she realized too late that she then had nowhere she...
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The Babylon Bee Sad: This Woman Deleted All Her Social Media Accounts, But Now She Has Nowhere To Announce It 8d
Death Toll From Kavanaugh's First Week On Supreme Court Tops 330 Million
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—The death toll from Justice Brett Kavanaugh's first week on the Supreme Court has just topped 330 million, a report from the CDC indicated Friday.As soon as the man was sworn in, millions perished instantly, and the deaths continued...
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The Babylon Bee Death Toll From Kavanaugh's First Week On Supreme Court Tops 330 Million 8d
Youth Pastor Sole Person On Planet Still Saying 'Phat'
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MUNCIE, IN—Local youth pastor Landon Baker was surprised to discover at this week's Wednesday night Bible study that he's the only person left on the planet still using the word "phat" in everyday conversation.Baker reportedly uses the word all the...
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The Babylon Bee Youth Pastor Sole Person On Planet Still Saying 'Phat' 9d
Hobby Lobby Introduces New Line Of Calvinist Home Decor
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OKLAHOMA CITY, OK—Hobby Lobby has become a popular destination for Christians looking to decorate their homes with some encouraging Bible verses or hymn lyrics. But there's one market the arts and crafts retailer has failed to capture: hardcore...
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The Babylon Bee Hobby Lobby Introduces New Line Of Calvinist Home Decor 9d
Local Family Commutes 700 Miles To Attend Church That Meets Their Exact Specifications
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LAS CRUCES, NM—The Everly family is now commuting 700 miles to church each Sunday in order to attend a congregation that meets their incredibly specific requirements, sources close to the family of four confirmed Monday.The New Mexico residents pile...
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The Babylon Bee Local Family Commutes 700 Miles To Attend Church That Meets Their Exact Specifications 9d
'Let The Hate Flow Through You!' Cackles Cloaked Hillary Clinton At Campaign Rally
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a campaign rally designed to drum up enthusiasm among Democratic voters, failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton took the stage in an ominous black cloak and began encouraging her audience to let their anger control...
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The Babylon Bee 'Let The Hate Flow Through You!' Cackles Cloaked Hillary Clinton At Campaign Rally 10d
'Kavanaugh Doesn't Have The Right Temperament!' Screams Protester Lobbing Grenade Outside Supreme Court
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources at the Supreme Court building, a protester screamed the catchy chant "Kavanaugh doesn't have the right temperament!" just before hurling a grenade into a crowd gathered on the court's front steps."He clearly...
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The Babylon Bee 'Kavanaugh Doesn't Have The Right Temperament!' Screams Protester Lobbing Grenade Outside Supreme Court 12d